"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday."

Motherhood

Motherhood is one of the greatest stages of life I have gone through, and am still going through. I have learned so much about myself, and every single day surprises me. It is a joy to see my child grow.

Everything Happens For A Reason

"What?! It can't be... P.O.S.I.T.I.V.E.!!!"

Yep, positive. A big ol' plus sign. I was pregnant. Unwed. Nineteen. Full-time college student. Dark cloud, maybe!? Ummmm....


I was pregnant; I was going to be a mother. Plans are going to change. My life is in the palm of my hands staring back at me.

I was scared, happy, shocked, thrilled....an emotional rollercoaster. But, it all made sense to me in a weird kind of way.

I grew up in a religious home. My parents taught me a lot of valuable principles; choice and accountability, self-worth, and integrity. Growing up in the Mormon faith, like many other religions, we believed in saving ourselves for marriage. No long engagements. No premarital sex. Morality was a broad conversation, always focusing on the marriage aspect of it, and waiting. I was in love with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, so I did it. You know exactly what I am talking about...

We were terrified, but soon enough, we came to a sense of peace and well being.

With me having Diabetes since I was four years old, it was always in the back of my mind...could I even bare children? A regular pregnancy is hard on a woman's body, so a Diabetic's body would take even more of a toll. It is a disease you can live a long life with, but there are risks with this chronic illness. Risks to your entire body. Wear and tare. Could I handle it? Could WE handle it? Yes, we handled the situation very well, surprisingly. My first doctors appointment was to see my Endocrinologist. He wanted to see me for a regular exam, as well as, a pregnancy test, and to discuss the risks. I was ready. I wanted to know everything I could possibly know, to take care of my pregnant body, and my baby. At this point in my life, I had been a Diabetic for fifteen years. A long time. There could definitely be medical risks. Kidney Failure, Blindness, High Blood Pressure, a lot of complications. I wanted to take the risks. After my visit, I felt confident, relaxed. I felt like a part of me was really ready to take all this on. A couple of weeks later, I had scheduled my very first OBGYN appointment. I cannot express my inner thoughts on that one. I had never stepped foot in a gynecologist's office. I was introduced to amazing doctor, who specializes in Infertility and Diabetes; very broad degree. My visit went well, besides a few awquard moments, but I had no idea what to expect, hince my first time ever walking into a Obstetricians office.

Soon after getting everything squared away with my first couple of doctors appointments, I had to make things right. I was thrilled with being pregnant. I was happy and content with my better half, but I still felt somewhat empty. I wanted to get married. I wanted to lay everything out on the table, and marry the one person who brought me happiness. A few weeks later, I was walking down the isle with my dad. Standing before me was my "knight in shining armor", my tall, dark, and handsome man, my "soulmate", the father of my unborn child, my husband-to-be. That evening was one of the most incredible moments of my life. So many people who loved me were there, sharing the most important time with me. We were married!

My first and second trimester were perfect. No morning sickness, no heart burn or indestion, no discomfort, nothing. I could honestly say that I loved being pregnant. All the risks that were discussed with both of my doctors vanished from my mind. Then, it all came tumbling down. When it rains, it pours! I was going to the OB once a week, then twice a week. The talked about "risks" started rolling in. High blood pressure, spilling an excessive amount of protein in my urine, swelling...all the risks my doctors had mentioned, suddenly came on. I was diagnosed with Pre-Eclampsia. Many women experience this with pregnancy, but for a Diabetic, this was severe. I felt fear to no end. I was more worried about my baby than myself. It's funny how you find yourself already sacrificing....my body. I was only at about 34 weeks, when my doctor told me I had to be on complete bed rest until I delivered. So, what did this mean?! I had to lay in bed for six long, boring weeks. My husband was so supportive, working to full-time jobs, seriously sleeping about one hour a day. Work one shift from 8 in the morning until 5 in the evening, and working the other job from 7 in the evening until sometimes 5 in the morning. It was around the clock work. I felt tremendously depressed for him, so I gave in and would get up long enough to prepare him warm, cooked meals, then back to the bed I would go. I am so grateful for the support and love my husband gave me, as well as my mom and grandma. So many people were watching over us. At 38 weeks, I went to the doctor for a scheduled Amneocentesis and to my dismay my OB could not get any fluid to test my baby's lungs. Devastating, and a million things running through my mind. I was sent over to the hospital to start my labor. After 21 long, invigorating hours of natural labor, my doctor rushed in my room and told me I had to be rushed to the operating room for an emergengency C-Section. Believe it or not, I wasn't afraid at all. I was relieved. After a Father's Blessing, and many hours of prayer running through my head, my blood pressure was rising to the point that a blood vessel in my eye had burst. I was seeing a solid, black dot. The protein in my urine was growing even higher. The doctor broke my water while checking to see how far I had dialated and found bowel movement in my fluid. Dangerous. Off to the operating room I was. Not long after the scurry down the hall, I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. His name is Xander. I carried him under my heart for nine whole months.

After coming home from the hospital and settling in, I returned to my Endocrinologist for a follow up on my Diabetes and of course to introduce him to my newborn. Sitting there in the office, my doctor spoke a few words ill never forget as long as I live, "Everything happens for a reason.". So true. I got pregnant before I was married. Yes, I repented of it and went on, but I still felt so untrue with myself. He told me that if I would have waited a few more years to carry a child, I might not have had the outcome I did. More risks, kidney failure, possibly Dialysis. I guess the Lord really knows us. I know He loves me. I know He lives. I am so grateful to have bared a child. Some women may never have that opportunity. I did. And I am forever grateful. I cannot have more children, due to the severeness of my disease, but I am okay with that. I am blessed to have one. Things happen for a reason...

How Our Story Began...

We were spontaneous; full of life, love, and pure bliss. Happy. We were inseparable. Selfless. We fulfilled each other. We were in love.

I was young. He was a bit older than me. We were attracted to one another. We spent every day together. We shared phone calls, simple notes, letters.

I don't believe in "love at first sight", but there was definitely a physical attraction. Charm, mannerisms, intelligence, work ethics...all of these qualities really drew me in. He always complimented my smile, how I treated others, and most importantly how I treated him. Everything just fell into place; we fell in love. The rest is history!